Sad, or at least I think so.

It seems like the only scenarios that I run through in my head constantly are of me dying. And they don't scare me, instead they calm me. I'm not going to go kill myself or anything, but it feels like the only way I'll ever be able to be useful in the world is to die saving a lot of people. Mostly everyone who knows me.

The most vivid one takes place on what seems like a space ship, like from Aliens or something. Everyone is in a room on the ship together and there is something on the ship that is threatening the lives of everyone. They only way to take it out is to detonate a bomb point blank at it. It needs to be detonated manually, meaning someone has to die. At this point in time I see myself in the back of the room, it's like I've done something that has made everyone think of me as being a horrible person. No one even want to notice me. My ex, other girls, my best friends, everyone. I must've done something horrible it seems. But I sit quietly in ignorance, I hadn't done anthing. I stand up, and feel calmness roll over me. I slip through the throngs of people like a shadow. People start noticing but don't have a word to say about it. I approach the briefcase, or whatever container is holding the bomb, and I slip my arm between everyone towards it. People notice a hand go by them and once my had grips firmly down everyone's eyes are on my hand. Someone's decided to sacrifice themselves! I pull the container with me towards the door. After standing up and starting my walk, I hadn't slowed down one bit. I can't even see the rest of the people in the room anymore, all I see are my goals. Everyone then sees that it's me and stares speachlessly. What would someone like him be doing this for? I glide past the rest of the people and the door slides apart, leading into the dark metalic hallway. By now all I can do is smile. No worries in the world, not a doubt in my mind. "I'm gonna be done here and I'm gonna save those fuckers who don't care about me. I'll show them a thing or two." The door behind me closes and locks but I couldn't care less. I turn to the right and head to my appointment with the end.

Everybody in the room looks at each other; speachless. The whole ship shudders and the lights go crazy. The sonic vibration rolls over the vessel, the door is almost ripped off it's hinges. It's over. All the computer readings show that whatever had to be destroyed is gone for good now.

And then, the people talk about what just happened, but no praise can be heard. "Good riddence." "Glad we don't have to deal with him anymore." "He deserved it."

Then I drift back to real life and I feel calm, almost happy. Pressure is relieved. I don't know why, it just is. Why do the people in my daydreams hate me? I think it's because no one ever talks to me. Not my old friends, not current ones, and I can't get any new ones no matter how hard I try. There must be something that I'm doing to make everyone hate me. I can't find out what it is. I'll just have to trudge along until I can find my selfless moment and find peace.